Posted in Blog

#wearwedding 2013

There isn’t that much to say about this particular milestone in my life. I mean yeah, it is Henry’s wedding, but let’s be honest, I’m going to make the situation all about me. At least in this blog post. He and his beautiful bride to be Heidi can have all the attention this Saturday, the 31st, but for this one small blog post I’m going to make it about me and how I feel about it. 18043_302409221462_866062_nHenry is the first of my life long friends to tie the knot. When I say “lifelong” I mean it. I’ve known this guy since “kindy-gardRen”.  We all had sleepovers, we played sports, video games. And somehow five of us: Jeremy, Henry, Sam, Derek and I (I know its confusing since a few extra faces are in this picture) formed a friendship and a bond that would see us through till the end of our days. Brothers. 26169_1386142181036_4494728_n Sure, we’ve all had our problems with each other. What kind of brothers don’t fight?  Eventually we got old enough and stopped playing with video games (well, some of us kept playing them) and sports, and started noticing the finer things in life, like the opposite sex. Henry took a liking to Heidi right away luckily she wasn’t one to steal him away from us.  If anything we gained a new sister, a “brother-sister” if you will. Brothers.

If you ever wanna adopt a son, I volunteer.
If you ever wanna adopt a son, I volunteer.

HIgh school rolled along, and eventually college snuck up on us. But not before the original five of us brothers decided to get tattoos together (again, I know its confusing with extra people in there. I’m realizing we don’t have a lot of pictures of just the five of us alone). While brothers have come and gone throughout time, the core of us have stayed the same: 300_27923542815_6620_n   I really don’t know where this post is going: I guess the point I’m trying to get across is that we always be brothers, the five of us and the extra ones that have come along. People always ask me how we’ve all stayed friends for so long: Almost 20 years is a long time to stay friends with somebody, especially among the trials of puberty and high school. My answer to how we all can still stand each other is this: If you really care about somebody, you make time for them. You prioritize your responsibilities and you put friends near the top. Even if its going brewery hopping every few months because you live in different areas of the country. Every little bit helps make friendships last longer. Well, with that piece of stupid wisdom I think I’ll end this post with everybody’s favorite toast:

There are wood ships, and there are steel ships, The ships that sail the sea. But the best ships, are friendships, and may they always be.

-JH August 28, 2013


Posted in Blog

A Discovery and Adventure

A few years back I remember reading about a story of a blogger/adventurer who snuck on to an abandoned and deserted island/animal sanctuary in the middle of Disney World. Here is a link to the original blog post. A random thought reminded me of this awesome piece and I thought I’d share it with you if you haven’t seen it already, and maybe talk a little bit about how the idea of something like this can inspire you to explore and be the adventurer you always wanted to be as a kid.

While I was reading this article back then I couldn’t help but draw parallels to Jurassic Park.  Discovery Island was closed in 1999 by the Disney Corporation. Before its closure, it was a wildlife attraction and sanctuary with rides and exhibits. It was left to run wild and nobody except park officials have been on the island since. Blogger Shane Perez decided that he was going to make a “discovery” for himself. So he and two friends swam the distance of water (which he later found out is infested with alligators and brain eating amoebas) in between security patrols and ferries for the park goers.

He took tons of pictures which you can see up on the page I linked to, there was even a picture reminiscent of the scene in Jurassic Park 3 when the velociraptor is hiding on the other side of some tube. Spoiler, its the picture with snakes in tubes.

Why do I still remember this random story from 3 years ago? Because it represents it represents a side of me, a side of all of us that we don’t listen to anymore. Go out, explore, be an adventurer. Break rules and conventional wisdom.  In my case I know I could go on more adventures like Shane did. Then again, not all of us have alligator infested lakes near Disneyworld close by.  I’ll just have to settle with the streets of Portland for my exploring. Maybe I’ll sneak in to Voodoo Doughnuts when they close and see what kind of meat they use for their bacon?

While we are on the tip of food, I just had to post this awesome Burger Pizza being served up in Japan. It looks nomtastic:enhanced-buzz-21765-1377614704-4

Posted in Blog

Affleck as Batman Reaction

Ben-AFfleck-Batman-300-226Where were you when you heard? I remember being at the gym, drenched in sweat, taking a “tweet” break and seeing the damage that had been done. I curled up in to a ball and started weeping.  Is there a worse actor to play such an iconic role? (All of this last was hyperbole of course, but  in all honestly a little piece of me died.)

And then I started to think about it. I mean really think about it: maybe this isn’t as bad as I think it is. Here is what we know about the role for this particular outing as Batman:

  • Batman needed to be middle aged, in his late 30s or early 40s, established and his Bruce Wayne identity needs to have clout and charisma that is unparalleled to Clark Kent’s small roll as a reporter at a dying newspaper. We don’t need an origin story of a young Batman, we already got that less than 10 years ago with Batman Begins, we don’t need it so soon. As for continuity’s sake, I think it will be a begrudging conceit that Nolan’s Trilogy is part of another universe.
  • He also needs to be a physical obstacle to Superman. At 6’4″, he is a few inches taller than Henry Cavill, and making him the tallest Batman ever to don the cape.
  • He needs to be gritty, and real. Watch the Town, watch Argo. None are spectacular performances but he shows that he has better skills than we thought he had in Dare Devil.

…a worthy central character, at once admirable, dangerous, vulnerable, strong, smart, foolish, brave and loyal to a fault.” Who does that sound like to you? Batman? Me too. But it is actually a quote from a review about Affleck’s performance in Argo. He has the skills, I have faith he can do it again.

  • He needs to pull off Bruce Wayne with the charisma of a movie star: and let’s be frank, Affleck is the quintessential movie star by today’s standards. Sure he fell from grace a couple times with Dare Devil and Gigli, but his return to smaller films with more depth of character has proven himself to be on par with the likes of George Clooney, and hey, that guy played Batman. (I know that’s not a good comparison, Clooney’s Batman sucked)

The bottom line for me is this: Warner Bro.’s has hundreds of millions of dollars on the line with this film, potentially billions. If they do everything right, this movie could be amazing and everything we ever wanted in a Batman/Superman team up movie. For my money, I would have had Jon Hamm put on the batsuit, but hey, my money is worth shit. I’m skeptical, but I’m also optimistic that these guys know what they are doing. Here is to hoping that it can’t be half as bad as Val Kilmer’s stab at it:



What are your thoughts on this whole thing? Bad or good idea? Considering the Internet was pissed off about it, I’m assuming negative feelings, but I think we need to step outside of our preconceived notions and be excited about something so far out of left field. “He may not be the Batman we want, but he is the Batman we deserve.” This is yet to be seen.

Posted in Blog

Free Willy can be Bought for a Killer Price

Remember that movie Free Willy? Of course you do.  Well now you can own a mechanical, subversive version of the giant, imprisoned Orca for the low, low price of $100,000! A dream come true!  Thanks to the people at Hammacher Schlemmer. I don’t think anybody is suggesting you perform a giant heist from an amusement park and have this thing jump over a ridge and a 12 year old boy…BUT…it looks pretty darn cool.

Screen Shot 2013-08-22 at 1.03.59 PM


This 17 foot beast weighs in at 1,450 lbs, and can hold two people in its half inch thick acrylic canopy. It has a 255 hp supercharged flow engine, which enables the vehicle to have realistic behaviors such as skyhopping. When it hydroplanes, you can reach speeds up 50 mph, and while submerged about 25 mph. You can be submerged up to 5 feet, and be cruising with style with LCD displays, vinyl seats and closed-cell foam upholstery with four-point racing harnesses. I guess What I’m saying here is: if you have  100K spend it here so you can be hunted down by some whaler (holding back on racist pun). I think this would have been a great publicity stunt for Whale Wars to do! Sure they probably would have been killed, but Animal Planet could have made millions in publicity and insurance alone.

Here is a link to a video with the Killer Whale in action:

What do you think? You guys think you’d want one? Or would you just end up setting it free in the end to get back to its pod of a family?

Posted in Blog

Parking Tix? An Easy Fix.

While I was on a wild and crazy bachelor party adventure in Seattle this past weekend, I realized how outrageous parking has become in urban cities. $35 for just 5 hours of parking. That is why I called up Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology to create something to solve this little problem, only to find out that they already are hard at work doing exactly that.

Armadillo-T-1-660Introducing the Armadillo-T, a car for a complete urban dweller, used to 300 sq ft apartments, and ready for an even smaller car. Only has a 62 mile range, and barely has a speed of 40 mph, this little 992 pound EV shrinks from its ginormous size of 110 inches to a much more manageable size of 65 inches by folding its tail over its top. Considering most parking spots in the United States are over 20 ft, you could potentially fit 4 of these guys into an average spot.

All you have to do once you’ve picked out your spot is hop out, open up an app on your smartphone and then park it remotely, due to its super short wheelbase and independently controlled wheels.  

The irony of course is that our bachelor party consisted of 6-7 guys, which means we’d have to take 4 cars to drive around. Meaning we are back to square one. But hey, at least we all can fit in one $35 parking  spot!

Posted in Blog

So I never have to leave my house again?

Pixar’s Wall-E taught me something. While technology can be amazing and intriguing and exciting and everything movies like Back to the Future Part 2 made us dream about…it can also bring about a total overhaul of what it means to be human in not just social and economical ways, but also in the physical sense. I bring to the blog’s attention, Exhibit A:

Disney’s Wall-E

Things haven’t become this extreme; technologies and products that are rapidly coming out and innovating and changing the way we live, are all pointing us in that direction. Just yesterday I came across an IndieGoGo campaign for the iDoorCam. While this solves the age old problem of “who’s at my door” without getting your ass off the couch (or if you don’t have a window or peephole to see through) it does set a dangerous precedent for how lazy we can be. Coupled with technologies like Lockitron, you can successfully see who is at your door, greet them, unlock your door, lock your door, eat your burrito and never actually leave your butt sunken couch.

Maybe I’m over reacting, maybe people still want to get up and do stuff and explore.  People still like to explore, right? Hiking and trekking the great outdoors. Well, thanks to Google, you’ll never have to again! Street View Treks, Google’s newest feature allows you street view, virtual access to all of the world’s greatest trails, just a few mouse clicks, and arrow button pushes away. A section of the Grand Canyon’s trail has been made available, so you can “Experience the Journey” yourself.

Let Google's Patrick Glover "Experience the Journey" for you!
Let Google’s Patrick Glover “Experience the Journey” for you!

We are on the precipice of a new digital frontier. Granted, we have been for awhile, but now these technologies are all the sudden catching up with our scifi dreams of the past. What does it all mean? Will we end up  like the people from Wall-E? Who knows. It is too early to tell if the human race still wants to move and explore, be curious, make mistakes, and scrape their knees; or if they want to stay safe in their Apple controlled pods forever. What do you think? I’d write more, but somebody is ringing my doorbell, and I have to go answer it, ughhh, so annoying.

Thanks for reading, if enjoyed, follow, comment, share. Cheers!

Posted in Blog

5 Free Movie Ideas/Titles

1. The Thiessenkorp Equation- A group of mathematicians solve a formula that leads to the invention of the world’s first time machine, but there is a catch: if you don’t remember how to solve the equation, its impossible to come back to the present. At the end, the lead goes back in time to make sure none of his colleagues and himself figure out the equation: hence he is stuck in the past forever.

2.  The Dependables: The Spin off of The Expendables, but when they are all too old to even stand up, they try to break out of a nursing home while wearing their adult diapers. A couple of the foreign actor leads die, tons of residents do too. But Stallone and Schwarzenegger lives.

3. Bedazzled 2: If you follow me on twitter (shameless plug: jakehawk01) you’ll know about my personal crusade to bring sequels to Brendan Fraser’s Bedazzled and Monkeybone. The guy has to get work again. For this sequel, we bring the whole cast back, 10 years after the events of the first one, but this time he makes a deal with…the God? Oh yeah, hilarity ensues.  I smell an OSCAR! Tagline: He thought his life was already perfect, now God has control.

Plus we get to see his ridiculous acting and make up, like this gem: 000BDZ_Brendan_Fraser_0314.  Elevator Brothers (working title) : A comedy about non identical twin brothers separated at birth, only to discover their sibling 30  years later while stuck in an elevator. One is a rich, married, bored plastic surgeon, the other is a single, loser of a delivery man. They devise a plan to switch places, but only after going through extensive plastic surgery (since they aren’t identical).  Only to realize after the fact that they could have done this with anybody before hand, they didn’t need to be related. But hey, Lindsay Lohan’s “Parent Trap” is one of their favorite movies and heavily influenced this stupid decision. They both realize in the end that they loved their old lives, but to reverse the surgery would prove fatal. So they reveal to everybody they know about the switch and it all works out, they just look drastically different.  “Indian Giver” could be the title, but it is incredibly racist, so let’s stew on this idea, if you have a better title, sound off in the comments below.

5.  Trail of Fears: A group of old high school buddies embark on a 40 mile trek through the wilderness in Canada after college. Little do they know that the trail they accidentally stumble upon an ancient, Native American tribe’s old pathway to transport their dead warriors’ bodies. When one of the friends unearths a dangerous tomahawk, people begin to go missing. This isn’t a walk in a park anymore… Tagline: People change, friendships change, fear is forever.


Random post of the week for sure, I was just listening to the radio this morning and thought of some stupid ideas some of you might enjoy. If you like, comment/like/follow. Thanks!