Posted in Blog, Uncategorized

New Website!

I know I don’t post on here often and this post will literally find no audience. But that’s ok.

IMG_1884I’ve recently been thinking about the need to create more. A need we all talk about but don’t actually follow through on. My largest time suck as of right now are stupid iPhone games that distract me from what really matters. So as the seasons change and Spring is bringing life to the trees here in Portland, I’ve decided I needed to breathe life back into my own creative outlet.

With that, may I introduce to you Beersandmovies.com! It is completely under construction and I have no idea how it is going to look. But I do promise to write about my two favorite things: beers and movies.  I’ll be doing movie reviews, coming up with fun writing prompts, talk about industry news, sniff hops and drink beer! Please feel free to drop me a line for new ideas on twitter @jakehawk01 or by email jacobhochhalter1@gmail.com  I hope you migrate there and join me on this new journey as I try to put my thoughts out on the Internet where nobody really cares except for me. And that’s ok. Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized

Females: 7 Tinder Profile Picture Fails

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Editor’s Note: This is meant to be sarcastic and funny. Don’t take it too seriously. Or do. It couldn’t hurt your chances of finding Tinder love?

Ever since I started using the dating app “Tinder” many of my friends, both single and not, have always been fascinated by my decisions on who to swipe and who I deny. They’ll watch in astonishment as I selfishly, cynically, arbitrarily rate women by a few pictures and a short bio. Welcome to a new age of dating. Where you can “hack” love and online dating. Where substance doesn’t mean jack shit and the only basis of a relationship is purely based on physical attraction. Oh. Wait. Nothing is new. Apps like this just seem to epitomize the problem with modern dating, but I’d like to set forth a few no-nos for all my would be Tinder-ladies out there:

  1. Don’t have your profile picture be of just your dog. Or a landscape. Or a text about how you’re “looking for something to go on adventures with and grow with.” That’s bio BS. All it tells me is that in the vast infinity of the cosmos, there doesn’t exist one decent picture that you deem worthy of uploading to a dating site that is all about first impressions of pictures.
  2. This goes along with the first one, but needed a category of itself: pictures of the back of your head. Whether its supposed to be artsy? Ironic? You’re showing off your new ombre? Doesn’t matter. Post a picture of your face. Let us be the judge if its something we are interested in or not! Swiped LEFT!
  3.  A group picture. Ah the ever confusing and ever-potential flattering group picture. Are they the ugly friend? Are they the cute friend? Or do they only look cute because they are juxtaposed against an ugly friend. A lot of deep psychology goes in to this, and I’m supposed to investigate and swipe to the next picture to see if you’re the attractive one or not? Ok…I’ll bite, but I’m not happy about it.
  4. I swipe to the next picture, what do I find??? ANOTHER GROUP PICTURE with literally the same four girls, just in a different location. Instead of a wedding they are all at a color run 5K or some shit. Still, literally no clues given to me other than these girls hangout entirely too often. And if its the cute one, I’m eventually going to meet the ugly one because they appear to be attached at the hip. I’m okay with this…I just want to find some clue at this point who this girl is. So I look at her name, maybe I can deduce which one it is by the name: its Jessica. Sweet. Swipe to the next picture.
  5. Okay…its been narrowed down to just two girls instead of four. But of course the cutest one is out of the picture. Now we are down to ugly and slightly better than average. Unfortunately the latter doesn’t look like a Jessica. She looks like an Ashley or Stephanie. Here’s to hoping my name prejudices are wrong, and I’ll swipe it to the last picture…
  6. God damnit. It is the four of them again, and apparently they went for some incredible hike. But I’m done. What an emotional rollercoaster. Not really, but still. You get my point. Don’t use group photos for your first picture! And if you MUST, then don’t use them for ALL of your pictures…that is a game of roulette that I do not want to be a part of.
  7.  This one is a touchy subject. But if you have a kid…that’s fine…just don’t upload a picture of them as your profile pic on a dating site where random people (potential creepers) can see them.  I understand its a huge part of your life and maybe have it in a second or third picture, and definitely mention it in the bio if the kid is that important to you (I hope my dark sense of humor is shining through here) but just don’t make it creepy and make it your first picture. Even a picture with both of you is a little off.

 

Anyway, this is all the little mini fails I could think up off the top of my head. I really should start chronicling some of my online dating adventures. I apologize if any of this post was offensive, but it was written in good fun. Happy New Year, and hope you all have a fantastic year. If you get a kick out of this article or any of them, like, share and if you have a wordpress, subscribe! If anything, you could learn something from my handy dandy post about taking the perfect selfie.

If all else fails, try not to be this creepy guy/girl, and we can still be friends.

 

I still need a catchphrase to sign out on my blog posts.